How does the ocean rise and fall and carry with it everything that drifts upon it? There is no mystery, no magic, nothing. There is only what is real and what is real is all that matters. Everything else is illusion and delusion.
There was a perfect moment there, a perfect night when god damn it, Lola and I were lovers and not just friends. There has never been a better instant, a happier five hours, and I will relive it in my head until I am nothing but dust. She gave herself to me just as I had always begged her to, she gave me what was in her heart and I held it and it warmed every cold, cold corner of my heart. But like the sands of an hourglass through my fingers it fell into an endless desert where nothing can live.
The ocean's sands, the desert's depths the endless slick streets of Manhattan in the rain flicker with its neon glow and I can hear the locusts coming, I can hear them, it is almost their time, almost. Almost. Lola, I will always love you but freedom is what you need and my heart is tattered and torn.
Alone and aimless I found myself in tennis shoes, soaked to every bone and worse, walking up Fifth Avenue like a coyote who lost his howl. What good is a wolf that cannot bay, a dog that won't bark, a coyote whose howl has left him silent, helpless...lonely?
I called a number from my list. Pressed a button in an elevator...the doors opened and here I was. Place all tricked out like a post-nuclear bachelor pad after one too many tabs of cheap, speedy acid. Korean girls milling about in white. One takes my hand and puts me in a locker room where I stand for a moment and contemplate leaving. What will I gain by staying? I will never have what I want, no never not now not then never never. But I need something now and I will take this and make it mine.
I am naked and a Korean girl named Hana with a nice moon face and a big ass is washing me. My tongue feels like Napoleon on Elba, my mind is exiled and I need life so much I'll take death to keep the boredom away. Yeah, she soaps my co*ck up nice and I get a big fat red hard on and she pretends to give a sh*t. Sure baby, sure. Where is Lola? A mere 20 blocks north but f*ck me it might as well be an ocean, a universe, nowhere at all. Why do I care? Why can't I stop caring?
Hana dries me off. I should smile. I make myself look happy. She's a nice girl. She's trying. My soul is black, so black, so empty. My heart has collapsed like a dying star and the doctors fixed it but it will never, ever stop being broken, Lola, and you know why.
I asked for a hard massage and Hana is trying, she really is. I tell her she's great, she's sexy, she's the best but f*ck my goddamned smile and my stupid words, everyone believes me and yet I have made every word a lie, a worthless token of the emptiness at my core that eats away every sign of life the instant it appears.
I turn over. Oily hand, hard co*ck. Obligatory grope at the tit* and ass. Yes baby, yes baby. Heavy breathing. Yeah, my co*ck is so strong. I know how f*cking hard you're working to make me come my bitter f*cking come, yeah, I know. Faster, faster, faster, yeah there it goes. Nice yeah, nice co*ck, sure.
f*ck it. I get dressed and pay and the streets are wetter than ever. It has rained for forty days and forty nights and yeah, f*ck me f*ck I am drowning. Gasping for air. Some beast is clawing at my chest, sitting on me and I can't f*cking breathe but here I am walking away. Quick, get a picture before I'm gone.
Lola, let me go baby, let me go. Let me float with the rise and fall of the ocean and I will give you the desert and everything under its sand, all the oil, all the riches, all the dinosaurs decaying who still look young next to the death mask pallor that covers my face.
Tell me one time, Lola, one time only. Tell me you love me or you hate me but nothing in between.
